Mothers/Daughters

I woke up about 2 hours before I had to leave for work this morning and just couldn't sleep. Yesterday was just one of those tough days for me. I have been blessed with "Mini Me" and sometimes have to step back and reflect on what I was thinking and feeling at a similar age. I often wonder "what might have worked with me?"

So, I couldn't sleep. I was laying in the stillness and quiet of the early morning reflecting on what a miserable kid I was. I was just very difficult to love. But some how my mother managed to love me in spite of myself. My words were vicious and boy could they sting. I was a challenge in EVERY aspect of life.

I found it difficult being the second child (but later on in life I would become the jilted middle child). My sister was blessed with a sharp and intelligent brain. We all possess different talents but my sister (from the perspective of a toilsome little sister) seemed to be blessed with EVERYTHING! She always made straight A's, she was the pretty one all of the boys liked, played several instruments, conducted our high school band, was valedictorian............. you get the picture.

I just fought my parents on everything but my Ma got the brunt of it because she was with us more. I didn't behave on the bus (however I still justify the day I bloodied that boy's nose for picking on my sister!) was never a particularly good student, giggled in church, whined until I was 14 (OK, sometimes I still do) and Ma and the elementary school principal were on a first name basis! I told her I hated her, locked myself in my room (by putting my dresser in front of my door so she couldn't get in), and my tantrums were legendary. I said awful hurtful things.

I could go on but won't. Many people were just plain unable to deal with me. I figure Ma lost a friend or two because I was such a pistol! Gram would spank my buns with the prickly side of her brush (yup, that makes tiny puncture wounds) and Auntie knew the best way to handle me was to always have Entenmann's chocolate donuts in her pantry!

I lived much of my childhood feeling slighted. It was ALL so ridiculous! We lived in an apartment and Gram and Pa lived in a house. Our swing set was at their house and we spent quite a bit of time there. I thought that since the swing set was purchased before I was born that it was bought for my sister. Therefore, I rationalized that I should have my own. Same thing with our kiddy pool (go easy on me, I was 4). It was hers and I wanted my own. If you are a first born child I'm sure I lost you! I was always the noisy one therefore I was always the one in trouble. I never caught on that if I'd only be quiet I wouldn't be in as much trouble. Indeed my mouth still gets me in hot water.

My Ma lived through all of it and has many stories to tell. She made Big Ben out of sugar cubes 10 hours before it was due, bought the Cliff Notes for my summer reading so I could pass my back to school tests, took me shopping (which wasn't easy) and picked me up from parties in the middle of the night. And who could forget all of the sleepovers she bailed me out of at midnight? I could only sleep in my own bed.

And now I have a child who keeps track of everything to be sure things are fair and even. She is sometimes sad and my heart aches as I see so much of myself in her. She has similar struggles and I just want to intrude and "save" her but I know I need to let her learn and live and grow; but it hurts so much to see her hurt! So much like me she doesn't have a minutes time for things she has to struggle to get or achieve. While I am not that way as an adult I was as a child. She has similar struggles that I had in school. She loves music and sings all the time! She remembers all of the words to her favorite songs and is a joy to listen to. She loves to snuggle, enjoys cooking with Grandpa, figure skates and is very funny! I love her to pieces but I must admit that I could do without the phone calls from school!